To begin this meditation, lie down on a bed or a mat or a comfortable rug.

Close your eyes, and focus on your breathing.

Try and remember the name of the guard in Shawshank Redemption.

No, it wasn’t Norton, that was the name of the warden.

He was the big guy. He swore a lot. Try to picture his face. It’s a very familiar face, isn’t it? What was his name?

Now, Stop thinking about the guard from Shawshank Redemption and bring your focus back onto the breath.   

Concentrate on the movements of the abdomen as you breathe. The sensation of the breath moving in and out of your body.

Sing the chorus of The Killers’ ‘Somebody Told Me’ three times. Just in your mind, no need to sing it out loud.

Now, come back to focus on the breath. The breath centres you. All your attention on the breath.

If you can, expand that focus to the whole body. The whole body is breathing in and out. Explore what that feels like.

Stop exploring what that feels like and think about visiting your family next weekend. What are you going to say to your sister’s husband? He’s a nice enough man but you don’t have very much in common, do you? What are you going to say to him? Are you just going to stand there in silence? That would be terribly awkward, wouldn’t it? Just the two of you standing there in silence. Focus on how awkward that would be. Think about how that uncomfortable silence might feel.

He was played by Clancy Brown.

Not your sister’s husband. The guard in Shawshank Redemption. Spend a few moments considering what it would be like if your sister had married Clancy Brown.

At a moment of your choosing, try to stop thinking about Clancy Brown and your sister’s husband, and instead, notice the different sensations of your whole body as you breathe. Both inside the body and on the surface. The many different sensations that are happening now. In this moment.

Clancy Brown was also in Highlander. Focus on Highlander for a moment. Remember the strange accent that Sean Connery had. The lovely Scottish scenery. Did it have a good ending? What about the sequels? Explore your feelings of the Highlander sequels for a moment.

Now, on the out-breath, bring your attention away from the Highlander sequels and down to your feet. As if you’re shining a spotlight on your feet. What sensations do you feel in your feet now? In this moment?

The top of your feet, the soles, the heels. What is happening right now? Right in this moment?

Sing the chorus of The Killers’ ‘Somebody Told Me’ again.

Try not to sing the chorus of The Killers’ ‘Somebody Told Me’ again.

Sing the chorus of The Killers’ ‘Somebody Told Me’ again.

Return to the sensations in your feet, possibly with an annoyed sigh. Don’t try and change anything in your feet. We are merely exploring those sensations in your feet that exist now. In this moment. Accepting those sensations, welcoming them.

Do you have enough cheese for the weekend? Bring the focus away from your feet to consider how much cheese you bought the other day. Is it enough? What if someone visits and wants some cheese? Would there be enough cheese or should you get some more?

On the in-breath move the attention spotlight away from cheese and up your body from the feet to the legs.

Consider briefly whether the guard in Shawshank Redemption was Guard Falzon. Just briefly, there’s no need to spend too much time considering this before arriving at the conclusion that Guard Falzon was the guard in Con Air.

Think about Con Air for a moment. Wasn’t it a good movie. Perhaps spend a moment considering whether to watch Con Air tonight. You could invite some people round for a movie night. Although, you’d definitely need more cheese if you did that. Cheese and crackers are a lovely movie snack.

Could you ask people to bring cheese? Would that be rude? It would feel rude if it was your sister’s husband and you didn’t have enough cheese to offer him. It’s important now that you don’t feel you would have to invite your sister’s husband round to watch Con Air this evening.

Is your sister’s husband even the sort of person who would enjoy watching Con Air? Try to form a mental picture of your sister’s husband, siting on a bean bag, eating cheese and crackers, watching Nicholas Cage telling the man to put the bunny back in the box.

Now frown really quite intensely and bring the attention away from classic nineties movies and to the centre of the body, to the trunk, to the abdomen. What feelings and sensations are here? The breath? What else? What else can you feel?

Sing the chorus of The Killers’ ‘Somebody Told Me’ again. Possibly at a higher tempo than is correct to reflect your frustration at your inability to just focus on the fucking present for more than a single fucking second.

Consider that the name of the guard in Shawshank Redemption was actually Captain Hadley. Focus on that. Focus on how empty an achievement it was to recall that name. Focus on the time you’ve just wasted thinking about Captain bastard Hadley when you should have been clearing your mind to achieve whatever the hell it is your supposed to achieve with this mindfulness thing.

Now bring your attention to whether or not you missed the last instruction of the guided meditation because you were too busy internally berating yourself for thinking about Captain Hadley.

Fuck this whole thing off. Mediation is stupid anyway. What’s the point of just lying around doing nothing? Maybe try and find Con Air on Netflix. You know where you are with Con Air.