Hello, and thank you for contacting us today. We know your call is important to you and that you really need to speak to a live representative. Unfortunately, we are experiencing a typically high call volume and all of our operatives are currently dealing with other customers, so we can’t quite say for sure when someone will be able to get to your call specifically.

What we can do is direct you to our website, where our e-ssistant E-lexa might be able to answer some of your pressing questions. But please bear in mind that this is a big maybe, and there is a small chance you will come away from this interaction slightly more enraged then when you first logged onto our site. After all, we’re a little new to the “Ai as digital receptionist” scene, so give us a break will you? 

Now, by typing into the floating box that scrolls weirdly along the side of your screen, you can ask E-lexa directly for information you might be looking for. This includes, but is not limited to, resources you probably already have. Things like a different 800 number but with the same busy tone as the last one you tried, or a link to the website you’re already currently scrolling through as you listen to this extremely long recording. E-lexa may even cite useful tips that have already been posted to our FAQ section, but we do like to remind you that, should she engage in some questionable auto-correcting or do a little ad-libbing of her own, we cannot assume liability for any slightly or even wholly untrue statements made by her software. This applies to all of our e-ssistents, as they are, in fact, NOT real people. 

In the likely event that you are unable to resolve your issue using E-lexa’s chatbox, you are welcome to use our “contact us” tab, which we have sized in the smallest font available and placed at the very bottom of our website next to similarly-focused words like connect, message, outreach, and submit -none of which will actually lead you to solving your problem. After clicking the “contact us” tab, type your full name and email address on the subject line provided, followed by your social security number and favorite non-dairy ice cream base. We cannot stress the non-dairy bit enough. This will also be your security question once your account is active. You may include a maximum of 2 preferred toppings but only 1 can be a fruit. If we deem your selection to be respectable, someone from our office will contact you through our secure system with further instructions.

One of these instructions will be to provide a 6-digit verification code that we will send to your phone. How fast this arrives will depend on your network provider’s stock prices that day, just keep in mind the code does expire after 10 minutes and you will only be allowed 2 total attempts per business day. Once you have received the text and entered the code, you will be prompted to click on specific boxes from an Ai-generated picture to prove you aren’t an Ai-generated human. We will also make up a silly-sounding word to describe this verification step, as it has the effect of making what you’re doing seem even more ridiculous.

This will take you to the “create account” button. However, shortly after clicking on “create account”, you will likely discover that a second form of verification is required, as we proudly boast a two-factor authentication process that has not yet had a data breach (this year). In order to make sure we know you are who you say you are and live up to our recently added security guarantee, you must request a paper code that will be sent via carrier pigeon to one of 3 remaining Kinkos. From there, it will be faxed to the business center of the nearest hotel of your choosing. While we understand that many hotels only offer use of their business centers to paying guests, a small purchase from the bar or gift shop usually satisfies this requirement, and your access should be granted shortly thereafter.

Once you’ve obtained the second code, and since you’re now in front of a working computer, log back on to our site and create your username using at least nine special characters and one capital letter. Then enter the paper code you just retrieved as your “password”. Congratulations! You’ve finally created your online account! 

But before accessing this account, the last thing you’ll need to do is change your password, just in case someone grabbed a screenshot of your code while it was in transit (we sometimes forget to put the code in an envelope). Now, in order to change your password, all we need to do is quickly verify some of your credit card information. Let’s start with the 16-digit number on the front, followed by the 3 digits on the back and date of expiration. If, and only if you are still on the line, you can now reach a live person by pressing the pound key, followed by 1. Then be sure to clearly say “representative” at least three times, and hopefully you will be transferred to a live agent who will verify your credit card is active and connect you to the department you need to reach. 

Thank you for choosing to wait with us today, if you could please take a moment to fill out our exit survey before hanging up, we would greatly appreciate your feedback. And don’t worry, we’ll send you constant text reminders and a series of new codes just in case it slips your mind. 

Goodbye!