by Brian Clark

How many times has this happened to you? You’re at a social gathering or a work function. In the heat of the conversation, you say something inappropriate. It’s embarrassing, it’s distasteful, it’s insulting, it’s cringeworthy. You wish you could take it back, but of course you can’t. An awkward silence ensues. Then someone forces a laugh and says, “Well, there’s no filter on John.”

But what if there were just such a filter?

Introducing the BlurtStop 3000, a revolutionary new technology guaranteed to intercept repugnant comments before they leave your mouth.

How does it work? Well, our research has demonstrated that offensive thoughts generate unique brain-wave patterns a few milliseconds before those thoughts are spoken. The BlurtStop 3000 consists of a dime-sized brain implant that scans for these patterns. When it detects one, it alerts the user by way of a mild shock that you can feel in your eyes and teeth. Think of it as a friend who can read your mind and is quietly telling you to shut up.

Now that you know what not to say, you have time to think of a respectful comment to contribute to the conversation. Of course, if you fail and your brain offers up another rude remark, that, too, will be flagged.

The BlurtStop 3000 is designed to weed out everything from mildly crass observations to odious rants. The device’s sensitivity levels can be adjusted depending on your personal needs. Settings range from Longshoreman, where almost anything goes, to Politician, where all but the most anodyne comments prompt alerts.

Here are a few examples of the BlurtStop 3000 at work. These were culled from conversations conducted during recent clinical trials.

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“Mary has put on a bit of weight lately.”

Subject’s intended response

“You mean the Queen Mary? Yeah, talk about gross tonnage.”

What the subject actually said

“Mary is beautiful just the way she is.”

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“That’s really hard.”

Subject’s intended response

“That’s what SHE said.”

What the subject actually said

“I agree. That is exceptionally difficult.”

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“Liam seems to be drinking more lately.”

Subject’s intended response

“Liam the leprechaun? Let’s face it, he’s a green-around-the-gills Irish pisspot.”

What the subject actually said

“That is a shame. Drinking too much can be so destructive. Perhaps we should talk to him.”

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“Jimmy is kind of struggling in his new job.”

Subject’s intended response

“Well, that’s because Jimmy is as dumb as a bag full of ball-peen hammers.”

What the subject actually said

“I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll give him a hand if you think it will help.”

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Just listen to these testimonials:

“You have saved me from my own big mouth. Thank you, Blurtstop 3000.”

Marcia L.

“Until I discovered your wonderful product, I thought my only option was to get my jaw wired shut.”

James B.

“For a diplomat like myself, having a loose tongue can be disastrous for international relations. The BlurtStop 3000 gives me peace of mind.”

Melanie C.

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The BlurtStop 3000, available at most medical device outlets, starts at $2,500, not including surgical implantation. Expensive? Sure. But how much is your reputation and social standing worth to you? And remember: enough outrageous remarks could cost you your family, your friends and even your job.

We know you’re not a bad person. But you’re a blurter, a blabber, a babbler. You have no gateway, no ability to self-edit. Simply put, you can’t help yourself.

But we can.

Side-effects may include Hyperwoke Syndrome, Milquetoast Disorder and constipation. Not guaranteed to work on senior citizens or Bostonians.