This morning I looked in the mirror and thought, OMG!  I’ve got to do something!  My face looks like a dried prune whose expiration date was last year.  A  facelift costs too much with a possible feline result. I decide to go the easy route, a makeover at a department store.

The sales lady, Yvette, asks me to sit on a high stool and gives me the dreaded hand mirror.  Yvette, applies shade after shade of foundation, turning my face to the left, then to the right, scrutinizing me like an art connoisseur studying the Mona Lisa.  She stands back, bobbing her head up and down, ‘Yes’.

 I blurt, “This color makes my skin look like an overdone turkey!”

Yvette is undeterred, saying, “Let’s try the new Ubegina line. It has rave reviews.”

She forgets to mention it costs the equivalent of a year’s worth of car payments.  After many applications and wipe offs, the perfect foundation color is found.  Yvette painstakingly gives me the desired full makeover, including  eyes, blush, lipstick, powder, the whole deal. Of course I have to buy it all!  By this time, I’m thinking, to hell with the money, I’m going to look and feel a lot better.  Yvette eagerly holds the mirror up to my new face and I gasp, 

“Who the hell is that? “  I look so out there, I could easily stroll the streets with success.

Sensing hesitation, Yvette pushes on, suggesting the new high end, expensive skin care products called, Lolly, developed by a genius in Xenia. She declares, “He doesn’t test his products on animals.”  

Really?  Maybe he should, they wouldn’t have to pay for it.  I’m imagining two hippos comparing their skin tone and the size of their pores, or a group of monkey bridesmaids deciding whether to wear melon or fuchsia lipstick; so happy their products aren’t tested on humans.

By now, a couple of hours have passed. I’m dying to pee and get the hell out of there,  so I say, “OK,” to the cleanser, toner, night and day creams, eye cream, miracle smoother, wrinkle cream, dark spot eraser, lip enhancer, etc. 

The complicated steps on how and when to use each product could be made into a book called, “Skin Care for Birdbrains”.  Will I ever be able to remember all of the time consuming steps?  Plus, I’m usually frantically running out to work with a piece of toast in my mouth.  I have second thoughts about Lolly.  Yvette convinces me to take samples home and try them for a week.  I agree, hoping for spectacular results. I must remember that, Yvette is a beautician, not a magician.

At last, Yvette places the cosmetics and skin care samples on the counter, in a box that’s so solid and classy, it could hold the Hope Diamond.  The two page bill almost knocks me off the stool. I tell Yvette that I’m desperate to go to the Ladies Room, and will be right back. I quickly head to the nearest exit, rushing home with my tacky, million dollar face, thankful that no one approaches me for a blow job or a quickie.  I’ve heard that worrying about appearances causes wrinkles. It’s just not worth it. Wrinkles be damned.  It’s all hype and false hope. I’m going to stay with my old, simple, reasonable, drugstore favorites.