Life for a new mom can be chaotic and stressful, but one thing new parents can take solace in is how easy it is to avoid mastitis, a pesky condition that results in swollen and painful breasts. This ailment often taxes mothers in those early days with a new baby, but no longer! Anyone can avoid infection by simply avoiding the following 18 common causes of mastitis:

1.     Poor nutrition. Eating well is not just for “keeping it tight” – new parents can also skirt engorgement by taking in plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables.

2.     Wearing a bag with a cross-body strap. You know, like all of the ones that come with insurance-provided breast pumps.

3.     Getting punched by a toddler. Not a big concern, unless of course you have a toddler.

4.     Putting a hot compress, or a cold compress, on the breast. I mean why would you do that anyway? Certainly not to soothe soreness or help milk come in.

5.     Repositioning the breast to help your baby eat, gently holding the breast in the same spot every day, or exclusively expressing. No problem, though, because your baby is almost certainly feeding and latching perfectly.

6.     Failure to empty the breast. You thought you wanted your baby to fall asleep at the boob, but was it worth it?

7.     Hyperlactation and nipple shields. The weirdest rejected superpowers that didn’t make it into the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

8.     Nursing strike. Because your baby deserves higher pay for suckling.

9.     Emptying the breast too much. Finally, an obstacle for those parents with no supply issues or nursing mechanics problems…

10.  Stopping breastfeeding. You thought there was a way out. There is no way out.

11.  Wearing a seat belt. No worries, I bet you’ll never leave your home.

12.  Wearing clothing. See our other listicles for tips on finding the right nudist colony for you, across the globe.

13.  Spending time away from your baby. Again, how are you going to leave your house anyway, what, with no seatbelt.

14.  Sleeping through the night. Another thing you thought you wanted…

15.  Nipple play. Not that you’ll have time for it anyway.

16.  Going back to work. No way, don’t even think about it.

17.  Entertaining company during the holidays. Just stay in your house alone. Very, very alone.

18.  Being a honest-to-goodness human with any amount of breast tissue. That’s right, gentlemen, even your gender identity can’t keep you safe.