by Brian Clark

Physicists have discovered that information can escape black holes via wormholes. Recently, wormhole signals were captured by the Green Bank radio telescope. The information was decoded by supercomputers and proved to be TV listings from an alternate universe. An excerpt from those listings is being published here for the first time.

Monday December 42, 2023

7 p.m.

Channel 4
The Big Pffffft Theory: Gastrophysicist Sheldon Kooper proposes a new theory for the origin of the universe after a meal of sautéed beans and asparagus.

Channel 7
Titanick (Movie): An iceberg with 2,200 people aboard sinks after striking a luxury liner.

Channel 12
I Like Lucy: Lucy and guest Adlai Stephenson discuss the legacy of the Hawley-Smoot Tariff Act while wrapping chocolates on a conveyor belt.

7:30 p.m.

Channel 4
Sinefeld: Submarine commander Gerry Sinefeld is at his wits’ end as Cramer keeps popping in and flooding the sub.

Channel 12
The Bradey Bunch: Determined to raise enough money to get their parents an expensive anniversary present, the six Bradey kids team up to knock over a bank.

Channel 8
Citizen Caine (Movie): Derided for years for his obsessive attachment to his childhood sled, Charles Foster Caine enters the 1928 Winter Olympics and wins the luge competition riding his beloved Rosebud.

8 p.m.

Channel 12
Gilligan’s Peninsula: The seven castaways make an important discovery in the series finale.

Channel 4
The Orifice: After years of conniving, wheedling and whining, Dwite realizes his dream of becoming office manager of a proctology clinic.

Channel 27
Breaking Badness: Respectable meth kingpin Walter Whyte turns into an outlaw chemistry teacher.

8:30 p.m.

Channel 12
Jaw (Movie): A mob of obnoxious tourists terrorize a shark that is merely trying to enforce boating regulations.

Channel 4
The Real Housewives of New Jursey: The cast members are honored for their years of dedicated volunteer work at the Hoboken soup kitchen.

Channel 16
Major League Baseball: Season opener, Boston Red Bruins vs. Toronto Maple Jays. Wade Bloggs throws out the first platypus.

9 p.m.

Channel 27
Let’s Make Some Kind of Deal: With household appliances, cars and vacations on the line, teams of diplomats work to achieve lasting peace in the Middle East.

Channel 4
Mister Fil: Mister Fil provides therapy for his guests by referring them to qualified, licensed medical professionals.

Channel 7
Handmade Tails: Volunteer hobbyists make prosthetic tails for animals that have lost them.

9:30 p.m.

Channel 4
Timmy Kimmel Live!: Walk-show host Timmy Kimmel takes a late-night stroll with guests Jorge Clooney, Matt Dayman and Julia Robertson.

Channel 27
All of us in the Family: Archee becomes president of the NAACP.

Channel 8
Little Bonanza House: Little Joseph is badly injured after falling into a gully while driving a herd of fattened marmosets to Virginia City.

10 p.m.

Channel 27
The Zone of Twilight: A race of seemingly peaceful aliens arrives on the planet with a pledge to share their advanced technology. They present a book in their own language to world leaders, which, when translated, turns out to be a collection of VCR manuals.

Channel 7
Greet the Press: Notable personalities shake hands with reporters, then send them on their way.

Channel 8
There’s No Place Like Oz (Movie): Flattened by the unexpected arrival of the Good Witch’s pink bubble, three members of the Lollipop Guild are knocked unconscious. They wake up in Kansas, a sepia-tone hellhole filled with wheat and hogs.