Last week, I was cruising in my home town of Yonkers in the Veeneesian Probe IV with my lovely fiancé, Obedience, a tall beautiful Puerto Rican girl.  She was without guile and read a lot, and was a very warm, trusting woman.  Obedience was the first woman I had dated outside my ethnicity – and she was The One.  I was in a good mood.  

I had lost two more jobs, true, and my bioscan was on the blink, but I had managed a cool finagle to kick my roommate out on legal grounds so Obedience could move in.  And I had worked up a cool plot where I sold $8,000 of bogus bitcoin to some dumb criminals abroad.  And over the internet, I sold my old 11^th grade teacher, Mrs. Gottesfeld, a prescription to DnDBeyond.com, which included a lot of pictures of well-endowed hobbits in skimpy clothing.  So I was really happy. 

I had founded The Cat Telepathy Project, a 501.13(c)(3) organization and I was the president and … treasurer.  I had written up the bylaws and ethics code on an Incredible Hulk comic.  I had loved the old TV show with Bill Bixby who had a deep voice but a feminine side too.  I had just picked this comic up at Third Universe Comic Book Store in Croton-on-Hudson right off 9A (they have lots of cool free stuff).  The Cat Telepathy Project works to help people psionically attune to feline communication and achieve greater spiritual awareness.  All donations are tax-deductible.  Please give generously. 

I got back to my apartment with Obedience and bypassed the security system that my former roommate had installed, went in and lay on my couch.  The shower system went off because I had forgotten to banjax the anti-fire system (but the water, ironically, repaired my bioscan).  Obedience got me some Diet Pepsi with ice because I would have spanked her ass and made her live up to her nickname.  My cat, Happy, ran up against my leg and purred.   

And then something really weird happened.  My mind became fuzzy.  My eyesight lost color vision … I just saw in black and white.  It seemed like I was on the floor, looking up at my leg.  Then I realized I was seeing out of Happy’s slitted pupils!  Happy was communicating with me through telepathy! 

Happy: “Chris, I don’t like my kitty litter box!” 

Me: “I’m sorry, Happy!  I forgot to clean it before I went out!” 

Happy: “No.  That’s not what I’m talking about!” 

Me: “Oh, Happy, I can’t let you go outside!  You’ll get hurt!” 

Happy: “That’s not what I’m talking about either.  I want you to go to the bathroom in my kitty-box while others watch you just so you can see what is like!  Do it or I’ll give you fleas and shit in your bed!” 

Oh, brother.  I thought I had given up this switch nonsense when I attended my fourth college and that woman had tried to make me look better naked by making me put masking tape on my testicles.  But I knew what Happy was capable of …. I had seen him play with mice.  So I shit in the box while Happy and Obedience watched.  And you know what?  They had thrown away the toilet paper!