Yes, I brought a veggie tray, but it’s pretty good size. No, I don’t remember what it cost, and no I didn’t tear off the price tag because the Sell-By Date was expired. 

Besides, I read an article on TikTok that Sell-By dates don’t mean the food is bad for you. It’s actually a life hack to save money buying expired stuff.

But this veggie tray wasn’t expired and was actually kind of expensive.

And look, there’re enough carrots for everybody to have a couple, plus broccoli, and that white clumpy broccoli, and little tomatoes for people with small hands.

Also dip in the middle. Everybody loves dipping stuff, especially at Thanksgiving. Dip is like gravy for finger food.

I know bringing a dish to pass is this family’s blood sport, but it’s not fair that I’m being punished for contributing something that I believe in.

Raw vegetables are fundamental to a meal. They stimulate appetite without causing an insulin spike. Raw vegetables before food is like foreplay before sex.

Since you asked, Christina, Yes, I have had sex. All kinds. I’ll have you know the sex I’ve had was way more satisfying than that cranberry relish you brought.

I know everyone lost their shit over Aunt Linda’s green bean casserole, but did no one notice how the radishes in the veggie tray were crisp, unlike those sad, little fried onion things scattered across the top of the green bean casserole.

With all due respect, Aunt Mary, Jello salad is not actually a salad. It’s red Jello, Cool Whip, and mini-marshmallows. If you seriously think that’s a salad, then I guess that explains why you think Fox News is actually news.

Oh, and since you’re rolling your eyes Carol, I do apologize that my veggie tray “ruined” Thanksgiving for you. Putting out your Virginia Slim in the dill dip didn’t really make it better. But thanks so much for bringing a shit-ton Stove-Top stuffing. That really showcases your skills in the kitchen.

Laugh all you want, Uncle Al, but did you know that crunching on raw vegetables will brighten your smile better than whatever the hell that dentist who advertises on billboards did to your teeth?

Oh, sure, give the dog a slice of pie. That’s hilarious Uncle Al.

What, Sally and Billy get pie just because they’re six? That’s some bullshit. Those kids just sat around all day watching their iPads. They didn’t even clean their plates!

I deserve pie like everyone else.

Seriously, do none of you realize raw vegetables are good for you? Your colon needs the roughage to shove poop out of your butt, which is where you can shove your thumbs because I’m taking my veggie tray and going—

Pie? For me?

Thanks Mom, but is there any apple pie left? No offense, but your pumpkin pie tastes like ass.