Like any gazillionaire entrepreneur or Navy SEAL will tell you in their trademark haze of hype and testosterone, success and productivity are built on the premise of waking up early. Those guys are always full of advice on how you, too, can become an early riser, but honestly, their advice is lame. Alarm clocks are for wimpy losers and 5 AM is a bit soft if you ask me. 

I’ve mastered waking up early – and I mean EARLY – and am generously here to help you become an early riser too. If you’ve finally realized that being agreeable and able to concentrate during the day are overrated, this plan is for you. If you’re done having quick reaction times and being cheerful, you’ve come to the right place. Soon, you’ll be rising before the sun, feeling confident and absolutely crushing it. Yep, with my 7 Super Easy Steps™, you’ll be confident that you’re fucking exhausted and your happiness is the “it” that will be crushed. 

Just follow the 7 Super Easy Steps™ below and buckle up because you’re about to blast off into boss territory! 

1. Try Parenting™, Caring for Older Family Members™, Anxiety™, or Menopause™ (available in many midlife households). These specially formulated products are the backbone of this plan and work hard to spring you out of bed at 3 AM (as I said, 5 AM is for the weak). I recommend combining two or more of these products at once for maximum waking-up effect. 
2. Embrace This As Your Reality. You’re getting older and it’s time to embrace waking up early as your fun reality. Why waste time sleeping when you could be awake and thinking about whether your IRA or the 529s have enough money in them, or if your parents have Long Term Care insurance, or even some cool morning musings on whether the extreme heat emanating from your body is actually the main cause of global warming. 
3. Shift Your Mindset. Perhaps you’ve historically teetered between fearing and welcoming early mornings. I suggest you do both! Be fearful because you can’t outrun the beautiful disasters that Parenting™, Caring for Older Family Members™, Anxiety™, or Menopause™ are as they manifest in midlife. Yes, these will come at you with the ferocity of a hippo whose grass you’ve trampled on or your teen whose phone you’ve taken. And definitely embrace early rising, because trying to fight it will end in tragedy, just like it would if you tried to fight a hippo or a teenager. Nature wins every time! 
4. Create Rituals. Sure, you’ve tried rituals before to no avail, but I’m not talking about the tired ones like journaling or exercise that other early-rising enthusiasts peddle. I’m talking about rituals like checking your phone incessantly to see when the next Wordle drops, smashing your book light against the wall because it doesn’t illuminate for shit, constantly check on that mystifying TikTok woman who creates origami out of her child’s soiled diapers and somehow has 11 million followers, daily DMs to @WeRateDogs to inquire why they haven’t featured your adorable Tater yet, and throwing ice at Tater in hopes that he’ll wake up and keep you company.
5. Buckets of Caffeine! You’ll need tons. Caffeine is life. If you need to add some Irish cream, that’s fine too because there’s definitely no shame in wanting to celebrate all of this new confidence and crushing it with a casual buzz.  
6. Seek Out Light. Not natural light, there’s none of that at the hour you’re going to be waking up. Seek the light of all the devices! Turn that TV on, pick up your phone and your iPad, flip the overhead on so you can see the words in your book. Whatever you do, make sure you get as much blue light as possible since everyone knows that blue symbolizes calmness and responsibility, two things that basically describe you perfectly. 
7. Be Consistent. If you follow these super easy steps carefully, beginning with Step 1, you’re not going to be any help with consistency. You’ve got this!