Ancient Worms Revived From Permafrost After 46,000 Years

-The New York Times

Ladies, we have to strike while the iron is hot. Older women are having a moment (80 for Brady; Book Club: The Next Chapter; uh, Dianne Feinstein), and your level of longevity in this business is unheard of. Also, I’m told you’ll be dead in a few days.

Here’s what I’m thinking…

FEATURE FILM ROLES
Picture Encino Man, only it’s two women who are parasitic worms trying to make it in a world where people aren’t crazy about parasitic worms, or women. We should also see about cameos in a Rick Moranis reboot—one of the ones where he gets shrunk down to worm size.

OP-ED IN THE TIMES
Maybe something about how humans doing the dance The Worm is cultural appropriation? Or how it’s offensive to use “parasite” as a pejorative? Either way, Bret Stephens will blow a gasket.

“WORMS OF WISDOM” SUBSTACK
As worms of a certain age, you have a unique perspective on issues like the climate crisis, mass extinction, and the mating habits of woolly mammoths. Is it true that to court a female, a male mammoth would wink at her while suggestively stroking his tusks? Because that seems really juvenile. Anyway, be sure to put all the sexy stuff behind a paywall.

CELEBRITY ROMANCE
I’ve already reached out to Timothée Chalamet’s people. A throuple will endear him to Gen Z, and the paparazzi photos of you three will make him look at least six feet tall. Plus, he has previous experience working with worms on Dune.

“THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF THE SIBERIAN PERMAFROST”
Assuming you hit it off with Chalamet, this could be a homerun for you, him, and most of all, Siberia, which is best-known for its gulags. To heighten the drama, we could revive a superficial Eurasian cave lion who says, “I may have thawed out, but I still like ice.”

CHARITY WORK
Reversing the melting of the permafrost is, unfortunately, a lost cause. How about an organization called Ways for Worms that helps nematodes find meaningful work, so they don’t resort to inhabiting puppies’ bellies? Anything to steer the conversation away from roundworms inhabiting puppies’ bellies would be fantastic.

PARTNERSHIP WITH THE RUSSIAN & TURKISH BATHS
There’s a natural synergy here because you thawed out in warm water. Imagine lounging in a steaming blue pool, clad in teeny bikinis, two mini flutes of champagne fizzing on the tiled edge. The tagline: “It’s never too late to relax.”

SPONSORED SOCIAL MEDIA POSTS
You’re awfully thin for roundworms. What’s your secret? Subsisting on algae, fungi, and partially digested intestinal contents? Well, as far as Instagram is concerned, it’s Flat Tummy Lollipops® and Skinny Shot® injections.

GUEST SPOT ON “HOT ONES”
Are you open to food that’s not digested, decaying, or otherwise disgusting? It doesn’t matter. Just wrap your horrifying little mouths around a tennis ball and they’ll fix it in post.

THE ROUNDWORMS’ GRUB STREET DIET
On second thought, let’s scrap this one.