Me: “Charley!”
Dog: “Treats are involved.”

Me: “Come.”
Dog: “Meander around the meadow and eat six pieces of garbage.

Me: “Come. Come. Come. Come.”
Dog: “Arrive within three yards of Human.”

Me: “Play with the other dogs.”
Dog: “Sniff that poodle’s sweet, fresh ass.”

Me: “Do NOT chase that squirrel!”
Dog: “Chase faster and harder. Follow your dreams!”

Me: “Do NOT nosedive into that garbage can!”
Dog: “There’s a treasure chest at the bottom! Go, go, go!”

Me: “Leave it.”
Dog: “Eat that spicy, ripe-smelling dog crap.”

Me [with more urgency]: “Leave it!”
Dog: “Now, roll around in that spicy, ripe-smelling dog crap.”

Me: “Time to go.”
Dog: “Time to zoom around the park seven times, see if that poodle is single, grab a sausage and cheese bagel out of a child’s hands, eat three more pieces of garbage, and then we’ll get third breakfast.”

Me: “Stay while I get my coffee.”
Dog: “Cause mayhem and panic in the streets.”

Me: “Sit.”
Dog: “Treats.”

Me: “Paw.”
Dog: “Treats.”

Me: “Down.”
Dog: “Treats. And more garbage?”

Me: “Scootch.”
Dog: “Plant yourself like a tree in Human’s spot on the couch.”

Me: “Bad boy.”
Dog: “Unique boy with many special skill sets and a penchant for finding goldmines in garbage.”

Me: “Quit barking.”
Dog: “By all means, continue working out your differences with the vacuum cleaner. I think we’re really making some progress.”

Me: “Just relax.”
Dog: “Lick butthole for approximately 5-7 minutes.”

Me: “Roll over.”
Dog: “Dance, puppet, dance.”

Me: “No.”
Dog: “Yes, yes, yes!”

Me: “I’m home!”
Dog: “Please commence the victory laps around this studio apartment.”

Me: “Good boy.”
Dog: “Treat time. It is ON.”

Me: “Crap, I spilled my popcorn.”
Dog: “I do believe it is party time.”

Me: “Bathtime.”
Dog: “Time to audition for Fear Factor.”

Me: “Bedtime.”
Dog: “Drape yourself over Human and shift your body ever so slightly every half an hour to ensure that Human will never leave you.”

Me: “I love you.”
Dog: “I love you.”