by Ed O’Neill

If you have a moment friend, I’d like to tell you the story of how my life changed once I let Amazon into my heart. It’ll only take a minute and you may have your life changed too. 

Right now you’re looking at me and thinking, “There’s a guy who has it all together”. And you’d be correct. But, I wasn’t always this together. Not long ago, I was living a very unfulfilled existence. Every day I found myself in need. of something. Something that my faith could not fulfill. I searched high and low, and studied with the holiest of the holy. Pastors, priests, imams, and rabbis, all highly respected scholars in their field. I was as close to The Creator as any person could be. But still, life had so few rewards. 

I began to question my beliefs. How could a God that can give me consolation in a time of suffering not be able to deliver some size 13 EEE orthotic inserts for my bowling shoes? How can my heart feel full, but my ink cartridges always be empty? Why can I see the beauty of a sunset, but not see the comic genius of 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘔𝘢𝘳𝘷𝘦𝘭𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘔𝘳𝘴. 𝘔𝘢𝘪𝘴𝘦𝘭? My spiritual needs were being met. My earthly needs were not. 

Then my world changed when my upstairs neighbor Mrs. Ferrone introduced me to Amazon. At first, I dismissed it as another crazy cat-lady thing. Mrs. Ferrone wasn’t the most stable individual. It wasn’t until the world was in the death grip of the Covid virus that I saw the true power of Amazon. Every day or so a delivery truck would pull up and drop off a box or two for Mrs. Ferrone. While the rest of the planet was under a lockdown, starving for the most basic needs, she thrived. Not only did she have plenty of N95 masks, but she also had all the imported butterscotch lozenges you could ever want. Lightly powdered latex gloves were no problem for her. Neither were the zen-infused time-released plant food spikes she preferred for her houseplants. Amazon filled all of the holes in her life. 

Mrs. Ferrone explained to me that Amazon has a global network of “fulfillment centers” ready to make my life whole. And unlike temples and synagogues where you go to pray, fulfillment comes right to your door. She said that the rewards of Amazon increase tenfold if I make a Prime Level commitment to the Church. I wanted the life she lived. I was sold.

At first, I was a little shy, keeping my orders small. Just some tube socks, then a set of box wrenches. It wasn’t much, but I could feel the spirit in me. Before I knew it I was eating Belgian chocolate truffles and downloading the entire Stephen King library onto my new Kindle. I have two gallon-sized bottles of my favorite lemon-scented antibiotic foot cream, and ten pounds of nicotine gummies. Life is good. 

I see that you’re a little skeptical. So was I, friend. But let me assure you, if you scan this QR code, enter your shipping address and a valid credit card number, you’ll find your portal to fulfillment.