by Ed O’Neill

The rumors had circulated around Kansas for years. The old-timers at the barbershop believed it. The younger crowd at the mall had its doubts. But everyone had an opinion. Was there really a character written out of the classic 1939 film 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘞𝘪𝘻𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘖𝘻 living amongst them? The files at MGM Studios seemed to indicate there was. Harry Chesky, a young character actor, was preparing for his first big role when director Victor Fleming broke the bad news to him. I located the aging Chesky at an assisted living facility in Lawrence. For the cost of two cartons of Tarreyton 100s, Harry recounted his story. 

HC: Originally it was four of us – the dumb Scarecrow, the heartless Tinman, the scared shitless Lion, and me, the Lawyer. Some say “The Unethical Lawyer”. I tend to disagree, but we can debate that all day. Anyway, Sam Goldwyn over at the studio says there’s too many of us. “Three is a better number”, he says. “People like three. Not so much four.”, he says.”Screw him”, I says.

EON: So how was it decided that you should be cut?

HC: A focus group of 𝘮𝘦𝘴𝘩𝘶𝘨𝘨𝘢𝘩 eight-year-olds. I never had a chance. Those three make cute toys. I’m a guy in a pinstriped suit and wingtips. One kid thought I was an undertaker. And I don’t get the makeover like the other guys. Same crappy suit over the rainbow. Doesn’t matter. Children don’t know the importance of competent legal representation. They want “furry”, “cuddly”, and “funny”. They don’t know from “slick”.

EON: Did you stay in contact with the other three? 

HC: The Scarecrow and The Lion used to stop by with a bottle once in a while. We’d sit around, get loaded, and talk shit about the other guy. 

EON: The Tin Woodsman? 

HC: The degenerate gambler Tin Woodsman, you mean. He could find a loser in a one-horse race. After pissing away all his Hollywood money, he moved back in with his mother. For a guy that needed a heart, he sure was short on brains.

EON: Speaking of needs, we know about the others. What would you have been looking for in Oz?

HC: Well, we all had our shortcomings. There was the stupid one, the heartless one, the gutless one. I was gonna be the ruthless one, looking for a moral compass. A dark figure to contrast the sweet threesome. A real scumbag of a guy, ya know? A lot of smart-ass remarks and busting people’s chops. Rickles made a career out of that kinda shit. I loved that character. I could really sink my teeth into it. 

EON: What differences would we have seen if you hadn’t been written out? How would you have changed things?

HC: Well, at the beginning when Old Lady Gulch comes looking for the dog that bit her, I file for an Order of Protection on behalf of Toto. Then we enter into negotiation towards a financial settlement. It’s a little dry up to this point, but then the twister comes and changes the whole dynamic. 

EON: How so?

HC: One of the things the final cut doesn’t address is the fact that Dorothy kills two people. She also swipes a pair of designer shoes from one of the victims. That’s hardcore heinous. She’s in deep doo-doo. Two counts of manslaughter two, and a larceny rap. And lemme tell you something, those munchkins don’t screw around. They got no tolerance for people from the other side of the rainbow. 

EON: So what happens? 

HC: The movie turns into a courtroom drama, and I rise to the occasion. Instead of being a miserable wise-ass shyster, I morph into a formidable barrister. A real Atticus Finch. Tons of dramatic closeups, flying monkeys crumbling under the weight of my cross-examination. I yell “Objection!” a few times. There’s even a musical montage where I pound my fist on the table a lot. I’m a guy with some serious stones.

EON: I suppose you get her off with your shrewd legal finesse.

HC: Nope. She gets a thirty-year sentence, but gets shivved by a munchkin from a rival gang six years in. I told you, they don’t play. 

EON: What happens to you and the other guys?

HC: We get a two-bedroom flat above a saloon on the outskirts of Munchkinland. 

EON: What about Toto? 

HC: He goes to a kennel up north to live out his days, but gets rabies, goes insane, and chases his tail til he has a cardiac arrest and kicks the bucket. By the way. You got them smokes we talked about? Don’t take ’em out of the bag. I don’t need the nurses knowing my business.