Psst, over here! Look at this cool jacket for sale. Sure, you have plenty of jackets already, and it’s not really the right season for wearing jackets right now, and you’re actually more of a sweater person. But our algorithm has decided that it wants you to purchase this item, so we’ll be spamming ads across every app on your phone and every browser tab on your laptop until you buy it.

This jacket looks pretty good on the model, doesn’t it? That’s because the model is 6’2”, 95 pounds, and 17 years old. It does not look good on anyone else. But maybe if you buy this jacket, you’ll wake up and find that you, too, have transformed into a model who is 6’2”, 95 pounds, and 17 years old.

Even if that doesn’t happen, this jacket will certainly make you look slimmer and younger. Eighty pounds slimmer and thirty years younger, to be precise. It’ll make you look like a third-grader, is what we’re trying to say. A third-grader in the ‘90s going through a distressed denim overall shorts phase that makes you cringe-laugh every time you see photos of yourself from those years. Yes, this style is somehow trending again. No, you still do not look good wearing it.

This jacket goes with almost everything. Not your body shape, unfortunately, or your skin tone, or your hair color. But it does really bring out the beautiful white flecks of chipping paint on the back wall of your IKEA Brimnes wardrobe. And you can pair it with just about any of the mismatched wire clothes hangers you get from the dry cleaners.

This jacket is so multi-functional, you’ll be able to find occasions to wear it almost twice a year. Okay, not wear, per se. More like try it on in front of the mirror, realize it’s entirely wrong for every outfit you own, and return it to the back of your closet, where it will hang out with the eight other jackets you’ve also purchased and never worn, thanks to our targeted ads.

This jacket is an investment piece, the same way that your Beanie Babies from third grade were investment pieces. The price of this particular investment is $279, which is a steal when you consider its original price was $299. That’s a whole twenty dollars in savings! And if you use our buy-now-pay-later service, so that you’re effectively taking out a mortgage for a piece of clothing, you could be paying only twenty dollars a month for the next fourteen months.

Not to mention, in five years, when you finally come to terms with the fact you will never wear this jacket in your life, you can always sell it and make back some of that money. As long as you keep the tags on and maintain the jacket in pristine condition, you could get up to ten dollars for it on Poshmark. Well, more like negative six dollars after paying for shipping, but with inflation, you’ll still be coming out ahead. (Please don’t question the math; we promise it works.)

Oh, you bought the jacket! Thank you for your purchase! Your order will arrive in three or four days, but we’ll continue showing you ads for the jacket for another three or four weeks. Just until our algorithm finds something else that we’d like to spend your money on. Maybe a pair of stilettos you can’t wear due to your crippling plantar fasciitis. Or a pair of pants so tight it cuts off all circulation below the waist. Whatever it is, we’ll make sure it’s in a metallic hue to match the stainless-steel hanging rod in your closet, where it will spend the rest of eternity with all the other clothes you never wear.In the meantime, we hope your closet enjoys the new jacket!