1. Ravenous consumption
   
2. Puffed chest
   
3. Aversion to tap water
   
4. Attacks defenseless creatures
   
5. No fear of consequences
   
6. Displays frequent episodes of aggression
   
7. Enlarged jowls
   
8. Cognitive dysfunction
   
9. Overactive salivary glands
   
10. Easily irritated
    
11. Excessive wagging
    
12. Stiff neck
    
13. Uncontrollable
    
14. Hesitant to donate small portion of funds to solve domestic humanitarian crises

Answer Key:

Rabid Dog: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13

Hedge Fund Investor: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14