Short Biographies of McDonald’s Mascots

By Rob Walker

Ronald McDonald: Former surgeon, Dr. Elliott McCallister ended his wife’s life in a “mercy killing”, before fleeing the authorities and hiding out in McDonaldland disguised as a grease-painted hamburger pitchman.
The Grimace: Originally known as “The Evil Grimace”, the creature was captured and lobotomized following the McRib Massacre of ’78, turning him into the simpleton we know and love today.
Hamburglar: Thief and hamburger fetishist, Charles Lee Grubbins, was tried and convicted for several erotically-motivated hamburger heists throughout the 80s and 90s.
Mayor McCheese: Hamburger-headed humanoid who rose to prominence after the notorious Hamburglar court case. He is currently taking a leave of absence after accusations surfaced following the #MeToo movement.
Mac Tonight: A moon-faced humanoid, known for his late night jazz performances and white-nationalist leanings.