by Elyse O’Dwyer

Flowers are nice, but I don’t want them from you, it just ruins flowers…and niceness

A gift card with a message stating this is a patronizing corporate obligation, no need to include how appreciated I am

Note that my unskilled work puts me in the precarious position of kowtowing to the many people superior to me

Opt to avoid the term “administrative professional.” I spoke with the custodians too, and janitor will suffice

While we’re at it, you could try remembering my birthday

Make an effort to learn what I do, I’m pretty sure I could spend a day copying and pasting the same cell in a spreadsheet and you wouldn’t know the difference

Pretend you’re aware I can’t also afford a vacation house when you speak about yours

Stop complaining about your vacation house

Actually, can I give my family a break and send my dead-beat brother to your vacation house?

Promise to stop calling shitty projects “opportunities” and instead refer to them as “bitch work” and “mandatory”

A white board on which to track the most helpless requests I receive in order to shame everyone out of making them

And maybe a bell like the shame lady on Game of Thrones

Grant me a consequence-free hour to air all my grievances, none too mean or too petty to dwell on, I’ve got a ten-minute rant about Steven constantly leaving his shit on my desk

A quarter of your bonus would be great

Shoot for some consistency, based on my superior’s explanations of assignments my competency level lies somewhere between knowing how to restart a computer and how to build a time machine

Remove phrases from my performance reviews like “go the extra mile” and “above and beyond” designed to help corporations abuse and take advantage of lower level drones

Poison for one-time use, in a bottle with a skull and cross bones that reads “for a dumbass who really pisses me off”

Laxatives for frequent use for dumbasses who really piss me off

Some brownie mix for the team…and not for laxative distribution

A Dictaphone, not for transcribing, just to record the stupid shit people say to me and to play it back for them

Ask me about my art school degree, and what I really wanted to be

Tell me of the secret escape from the revolving door of dead end jobs

Bank roll my night classes

A freaky Friday body-switch wherein I learn the pressures of your job, and you come to comprehend the disrespect I frequently endure

Maybe just a day where we watch some body-switch comedies instead of working

Side note, can we agree now before you give me a gift, hug? No hug?

Give me a pass on coming back from lunch drunk, it’s your fault, and by lunch I mean, the bathroom, and by drunk I mean high

An Amazon gift card would honestly be great