It’s been a while since I perused goop and guess what: there’s nothing new! G.P. and co. are still all about tricking your kids into eating vegetables, taking expensive trips to specific hotels and dressing like Modern Lady Drew Barrymore. Read on to find out what you absolutely must waste your money on now that spring has sprung, you dumb bitch!
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M.C.
FOOD
goop Your Kids’ Favorite Snacks
Goop Recommendation: There’s nothing I love more than when goop uses goop as a verb, except maybe when goop reminds us that goop is always lowercase. Anyway your kids will hate Broc-Tots.
Cheaper Alternative: Let them eat cake and/or pizza bagels.
WELLNESS
When Science Is Biased + Other Stories
Goop Recommendation: As usual, there’s a whole big chunk of anti-science articles, including one that warns against eating grapes and modern food in general.
Cheaper Alternative: Grapes are expensive. Don’t eat them.
BEAUTY
7 Incredible Beauty Lines That Are Totally Soy-Free
Goop Recommendation: Apparently soy is bad now. Thankfully Goop sells this soy-free Active Treatment Essence for none of your beauty needs.
Cheaper Alternative: Slather Trader Joe’s almond milk (they actually call it almond beverage lol) on your skin instead. It’s soy-free, only about $1.99. Sure, it’s not technically skincare but anything called Active Treatment Essence isn’t either.
TRAVEL
9 Healers That Make These Hotels Worth The Trip
Goop Recommendation: Nothing says Rich People Shit like traveling somewhere just to stay in a hotel, right? That being said, going all the way to Mexico just to visit a Watsu and WaterDance therapist is exactly the kind of bullshit I would do if I were rich, and I don’t even know what those things are.
Cheaper Alternative: Stay in a motel on the side of a highway in upstate New York. After one night, you’ll be cured or healed of the desire to sleep in any bed other than your own ever again.
STYLE
Everyday Essentials That Fill in the ______
Goop Recommendation: One thing I’ve noticed is that goop has a bad (no?) copyeditor. In the titles of most articles, every word is capitalized but then they’ll randomly use titlecase. They need a style guide. Anyway, this sponsored piece in partnership with goop’s very close friends at Stuart Weitzman calls these $875 over-the knee suede boots an everyday essential. Lol.
Cheaper Alternative: Don’t wear a pair of $875 over-the knee suede boots every day. Lol.
WORK
Goop Recommendation: My favorite part of goop is finding out what qualifies as work. Today it’s flu warnings, colonoscopies, why you should raise your kids in the woods and an investigation into the effect of dark forces on the cosmos. Haha.
Cheaper Alternative: Actually, raising your kids in the woods is pretty affordable.
SHOP
Which Spring Style Archetype Are You?
Goop Recommendation: In case you haven’t noticed, every section of goop is shop. This one, however, is extra shop since it’s about clothes, in particular figuring out if your style is The Minimalist, The Traveler, The Modern Lady or The Operator. I thought I was The Minimalist until I read their dream vacation is Hiroshima Tokyo resort in Japan and realized I’m not a true minimalist if my dream vacation destination is an entire city rather than just one spa.
Cheaper Alternative: Be The actual Minimalist (poor person) and sell all your clothes on the internet. Buy five Everlane Box-Cut Tees and two pairs of Levi’s Wedgie Fit Straight Jeans (on sale! They regularly offer 30% off) and voila! Your style archetype is The Dog Walker.
Little Old Lady Comedy 