by Nora Panahi

#5 “Do I Wanna Know?” by The Arctic Monkeys

A sex anthem for alt girls everywhere, this song begs the question “do I wanna know…what my roommate is crying about?” She’ll probably tell you anyway, most likely when you have friends over or are trying to leave for work, so put off the inevitable and put on some Arctic Monkeys, because it’s time to take care of you for a change.

#4 “She’s Leaving Home” by The Beatles

There’s nothing hotter than imagining your roommate moving out, right? While she cries loudly with the door open, think about her “leaving home,” when you can do the dishes at your own pace, fill up the freezer with whatever you want, poop with the door open. Mmm, that’s the stuff.

#3 “September” by Earth, Wind & Fire

September is only a few months away, and then your lease will be up! Ah, sweet release. No, wait, not re-lease. That is the opposite of what you want. I’m trying to be cute, like “release” from your roommate and her fucking crying all the time and also “release” like cum. Wasn’t that cute? Tell me I’m cute.

#2 “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door” by Bob Dylan

Remember that time your roommate barged into your room without “knock-knock-knocking” and demanded to “borrow your cat” for the evening? Yeah, fuck her. Crank this classic and think about hooking up with her hot dad, who probably loves this song. I bet she’d cry about that, too.

#1 “Cryin” by Aerosmith

You’re a cold bitch who just wants to jerk off, but the wimp you live with won’t stop sobbing in the next room. Give her a little taste of irony and turn the volume up to eleven, but make sure you let out some Steven Tyler-esque squeals while you’re at it to make sure she knows that her “cryin’” has no effect on you, you rock and roll sex fiend.