- CBD Oil: Oh, now you drink weed? Newsflash, honey, that already exists, and it’s called MILLER LITE.
- Turmeric Lattes: Why are they yellow?
- Turmeric Oil: Look, if you don’t like the oil on my skin, I don’t like the oil in your Turmeric.
- CBD Lattes: A bit too much caffeine.
- Veganism: It’s just like weird to me that you’re so worried about not hurting animals but not at all worried about not hurting my feelings by refusing to sleep with me.
- Cryogenic facials: A huge part of my personality is pretending I don’t know what these are.
- Sweat Lodges: seriously — sweating doesn’t make you sexier. If it did, the penis would go in the armpit.
- Instagram influencers: You only influenced me to stop checking Instagram every 30 seconds (now I’m only every 45 seconds)
- Smiling: It gives you wrinkles, which I don’t care about, because I hate LA.
- Exercise: Look, turtles live to be 340 years old and they barely mood. I thought you were into, like health shit.
- Television: Now I read books. Books based on movies.
- Offering people rides: OK, just because I don’t have a car doesn’t mean you need to play the hero all the time, Steve!
- Conserving Water: Here’s an idea — why don’t you take all that water that came out as sweat and instead water your dumb plants with it!? And then eat those plants, because you only eat fucking vegetables which is so dumb, because who even likes plantain chips?
- Recycling: Who cares.
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Liberalism: I mean I hate Trump, but I hate validating hipsters more.
Little Old Lady Comedy 