By Rob Walker

1) Sobbing uncontrollably while listening to “Total Eclipse of the Heart” in a Toyota Carolla.

2) Two-for-one Long Island Iced Teas at The Cap N’ Cork.

3) Passing out into nephew’s birthday cake while friends and family look on in shocked disapproval.

4) Arguing with law enforcement before getting a ride home from amateur birthday magician.

5) Noncommittal coitus with amateur birthday magician.

6) Taking a hot shower in an effort to “scrub clean your past misdeeds which seem cling like soot to the chimney of one’s very soul.”

7) Acceptance.