Now that my parents have cut me off, I need a real job. Could I be a receptionist? No, my body is too lumpy to sit at the front of an office. Could I be a waitress? I’m sure I’d get fired immediately for taking a bite out of the burger before serving it. I want something where I can inflict my unlikeability on the most vulnerable members of our society. I’d work with kids, but they’re loud and I have no patience. I know – I’ll walk dogs.

 

Day 1:

I sign up for Rover. $12/walk! Ugh, I’m definitely going to have to do more than 1/day. This is not what I bargained for.

 

Day 2:

I have to take an online test. I had a dog growing up, so I should know the answers, but I fed my dog chocolate and grapes all the time just so we’d have to go to the vet and I’d get out of swim practice. Oops! I guess I’ll call my mom and get her to tell me the answers.

 

Day 3:

I get hired! The success of now being an employed person ripples through my body. I deserve to take the next week off. And to buy myself a steak on my dad’s credit card.

 

Day 10:

My first day walking dogs. I open the door. A tiny white dog jumps up with great enthusiasm, desperate to walk outside.

 

I slam the door. I’m actually afraid of dogs.

 

Day 11:

I give it another go. The dog they’ve assigned me to seems very old.

 

Day 14:

I’m walking Spartan, but then I walk past an AA meeting. I’m not an alcoholic, but I definitely could be, you know? I drink a lot, and honestly, it’s kinda weird that my friends don’t worry about me more. Maybe they don’t care.

 

I pop my head in with Spartan. Uh-oh — the meeting’s in session. Well, this means I’ll get more attention when I go in. I wonder if dogs are allowed, but they must be. I mean, people in AA need all the help they can get.

 

Day 14:

Dogs are not allowed. Spartan and I are back on the cold Manhattan streets

 

Day 15:

Me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me

 

(I walked Spartan today but I just let him off his leash in Union Square Park so I could get a massage. I found him later at the pound – he was so happy to see me! He loves me).

 

Day 20:

Why am I not allowed to file for unemployment? Honestly, that’s why income inequality exists in our country.

 

Day 21:

My dad wired me $7,000. I smile for the first time all month.

 

Day 30:

I got back together with Adam.

 

Day 31:

I hate Adam!!