iPhone: I’m unable to pair with Bluetooth

Me: Do you think it’s because Bluetooth has paired with someone slightly skinnier?

 

iPhone: battery low

Me: Probably because you stayed up too late on Twitter, again.

 

iPhone: unable to update Google Maps

Me: Oh, really? Is it because Google Maps found someone slightly skinnier to update it?

 

iPhone: Amber alert! Child missing!

Me: is that missing child actually just your eggs slowly withering away?

 

iPhone: Please enter passcode

Me: Who are you kidding? No one is trying to break in here. No one even texts you back.

 

iPhone: Software update available

Me: did you update your hardware too? Because you’re feeling quite a bit heavier

 

iPhone: Airplane mode on

Me: Oh, good, now I can’t even use data — the only thing you were good for in the first place. This is like that time you got too drunk to make grilled cheese. You only have 1 skill!

 

iPhone: You have 7 new notifications

Me: Go to the gym!!

 

iPhone: Incoming call from ‘Nancy’

Me: You honestly need to take a hint – I put you in the other room for a reason.

 

iPhone: Not enough storage space to save photo

Me: You goddamn hoarder!

 

iPhone: Overheating! Please take me out of the sun

Me: I can imagine why you get so sweaty so easily.

 

iPhone: Background changed

Me: No need to let me know – did you think no one was going to notice that hideous mark in the middle of your face?

 

iPhone: You have a new text

Me: Ugh it’s probably just from my mom

iPhone: Text is from your bank

Me: Not even my mom loves me