“Asparagus!”

“Shit, I have to pay rent first thing tomorrow. I can’t forget again.”

“That’s how my novel should end!”

“Did I just get my period?”

“Stephen Hawking was right when he initially theorized that when a black hole collapses, all the information within it disappears and I can prove it with this equation!”

“Ooooh, they’re called thunder thighs because they clap. Haha.”

“A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The rabbi gets a phone call. He looks and says to the priest, ‘I have to take this, it’s my wife.’ The priest says, ‘You get to have a wife!?’ LOL, I should write that one down.”

“What if I die before my dog? What if my dog dies before me? What if I never get a dog?”

“I should get a dog.”

“I should get a cat.”

“And that’s why Kourtney is the best Kardashian.”

“I wish I could just fall asleep.”

“I’m going to die one day, and so will everyone I’ve ever loved.”

“I should write a piece about all the thoughts I have right before I fall asleep and always forget in the morning. I hope I don’t forget this in the morning.”

“Is that a mosquito or am I losing my mind?”

“I should start keeping a journal next to my bed so I can write this stuff down.”

“I definitely just got my period.”