Like many people, I subscribe to Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle and wellness newsletter Goop. I do it because, if I’m being honest, Gwyneth is exactly what I’ve always aspired to be: delusional.

While G.P. recently revealed in a much-discussed New York Times interview that her beloved Goop is intentionally aspirational and that she has no intention to ever make her products or the lifestyle she prescribes attainable, I personally know it’s possible to be bougie. as. hell. on a budget. So, without further ado, I present to you my new column: Broke Ass Goop, wherein I recommend cheaper alternatives to the latest Goop bullshit.

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M.C.

WORK

Brooklyn Decker Wants to Make It Simpler to Get Dressed

Goop Recommendation: Make like Decker and use Finery, an app that synchs with your online purchases to create a virtual closet that’s easier to sift through that your actual giant ass closet.

Cheaper Alternative: Unless you’re the rich model/actress/wife of a former tennis champion, getting dressed is simple because your “closet” is a small rack of clothes in the corner of your tiny ass room. Simply (see?) put on one of your five shirts and two pairs of jeans. Go outside. Easy!

SHOP

Goop Recommendation: This hideous $3,600 Open-Link Necklace with Classic Tri-Links.

Cheaper Alternative: Don’t waste four months of rent on that ugly ass necklace. In fact, don’t wear a necklace at all. Call yourself a minimalist. Voilà!

TRAVEL

The Other Side of the Hamptons

Goop Recommendation: Visit art galleries, a home where Jackson Pollack and Lee Krasner worked and a bunch of fancy ass beaches that are great for surfing (lol).

Cheaper Alternative: Take the train to Coney Island which, if not quite the “other side” of the Hamptons is certainly its exact opposite.

STYLE

Housewarming Gifts to Ensure You’ll Get Invited Back

Goop Recommendation: A $264 plain white serving platter.

Cheaper Alternative: Since all my friends are as broke as I am, I haven’t been invited to someone’s “house” (apartment so tiny it can’t fit an extra cup, let alone serving platter let alone person) in years!

FOOD

3 Easy, Elegant Picnic-Basket Menus for Summer

Goop Recommendation: If you’re going to watch an outdoor movie, fill your $155 picnic basket with prosciutto baguettes and Australian soft licorice (???).

Cheaper Alternative: Eat a bodega salad on a bench while watching a couple of warring pigeons reenact West Side Story.

BEAUTY

Ask Jean: Fastest, Cleanest Tan?

Goop Recommendation: Jean (whoever the fuck that is) suggests Vita Liberata Invisi Foam Tan Water.

Cheaper Alternative: Go outside. Pour regular water on yourself.

WELLNESS

Why Perfectionism Is on the Rise–and How to Overcome It

Goop Recommendation: In this interview with “Personality Psychologist” (jk?) Thomas Curran, he gives advice for how to overcome the pressure to be perfect.

Cheaper Alternative: LOL