Stand Clear of the Closing Doors and/or Projectile Vomit

As part of the MTA’s plan to better communicate with customers I’d like to propose the following announcements designed specifically for the hours between 11 PM Friday and 4 AM Saturday.

• “Ladies and gentlemen we’re delayed just long enough for you to run out and by a bottle of water at that newsstand in the middle of the platform.”
• “Attention Everyone: The screaming cokehead in the fifth car will be running express from 59th Street to 125th Street. To continue enjoying your podcast transfer to another car at 59th Street.”
• “Due to weekend track work all trains will be taking you to places that remind you of your ex.”
• “This is West 4th Street, Washington Square. Transfer here for BDSM, or downstairs for the B, D, F, or M.”
• “Attention ladies and gentlemen, we are delayed waiting for the drunk NYU students in the second car to finish singing that song from Les Miserable.”
• “Stand clear of the closing doors, look away from the windows, and try not to notice the man exposing himself on the platform.”
• “Due to planned maintenance the woman in the leather jacket next to you will vomit a magnum of red wine all over your new white shoes.”
• “Due to station enhancements at Fulton Street you can now be absolutely sure that the smell of rotten eggs is coming from the man sitting next to you.”
• “Due to a rail condition we are delayed waiting for you to admit that you should’ve taken an Uber.”
• “If you see something, say something. If you see a suspicious package tell an MTA employee or the New York City Police Department, or better yet, just pick it up and leave it on the next platform. It’s 3 AM. Nobody here wants to wait for the police.”