It’s great to be hosting SNL for the 3rd time! I always love when I come here because the much smarter and more-talented writers can make me seem funny. Actually, everyone who works for me is very good at what they do because I have basically no talent.

Wow, I’ve had an incredible year! I starred in a big blockbuster called “Dumb Movie That Only Appeals To Stoned White Men” — produced by Judd Apatow — and I got nominated for 2 pity Golden Globes. They were pitying me, of course, because I’ve been going through a terrible break up that was entirely my fault.

The worst part of coming back to SNL is the traffic at 30 Rock amiright!? Just kidding – it’s having to see my ex, who is a writer on this show and the best thing that ever happened to me. I was kinda an idiot when I fucked that one up, but that makes sense, because I’m kinda an idiot in general.

The musical guest tonight is some band I once dragged my ex to. They’re not very good, but they are very famous, which is why they’re here on SNL. I also brought my costar from the dumb dumb movie with me. This costar is a dumb dumb idiot and was cast according to part. It’s also very hurtful to my wonderful ex, because I left my ex for this stupid idiot and now I brought my new partner to SNL just to up our ratings by having more celebrity guests?! I don’t even work for SNL, my ex does.

Are you all ready for a great show?! It’s going to be an amazing show because the underpaid writers are oh-so-talented. And I say that, because I know one of them personally, because we used to date.