Dear Sexual Partner,

It’s been nice spending 0–2 nights with you each week. I’ve enjoyed getting to know your sexual preferences and the average amount of time it takes you to ejaculate. I’ve even enjoyed learning that you put on one sock, then one shoe, then the next sock, then the next shoe. This is fun and different from all the other guys I’ve ever dated. You’re not like other guys.

I think it might be time to take things to the next level. I’m not dating other guys, and I can only assume based on your awkward demeanor and poor communication skills that you’re not dating other women. Should we just admit we’re not going to do any better than each other? Would you like to be exclusive by default?

It’s clear that neither of us is going to attract another sexual partner. In fact, it’s impressive that we met each other at all, but QuirkyFlirt has one hell of an algorithm. Just to be clear — you’re not quirky, you’re weird, and so am I. Anyway, after stumbling unsuccessfully through the abyss of dating in New York City for years and years, we’ve both finally found someone willing to tolerate our off-putting and difficult personalities in exchange for sexual pleasure. And I don’t think we should throw that away. It’s time to commit to each other, if only because we have no other options.

Don’t worry, we’re not charting new territory for me. I’ve gone exclusive by default many times. In fact, I’ve exclusively been exclusive by default. I cannot think of a single instance in which a man could have attracted another woman but chose me instead. If this sounds sad, just consider that, in fact, it is. It’s very sad. But like the optimist that I am, I’ll make more lemons out of lemons and use these lemons to squirt in your eye when I inevitably get exhausted by eye contact. So happy you’re my boyfriend.

Much love,

Your new exclusive sexual partner.