Hey asshole, thanks for not being enough of a MAN to tell me you didn’t want to go out again. After SEVERAL instances of sexual intercourse, you decided to not even do me the courtesy of a brief text. Ghosting is literally evil, and here are ten texts I would have preferred to you doing it:

1. Hey, I had a nice time getting to know you but I’m not sure I’m in a place to date right now.
2. I don’t want to go out again, sorry.
3. I’m moving back to Canada. Sorry for never mentioning I was Canadian.
4. Hey, upon closer inspection, I don’t actually think you’re attractive.
5. I have a terminal illness. I need to spend my remaining months with people who aren’t you.
6. I think I’m going to go to law school. Would you be down to pay for it? If not, I need to find a new woman, sorry.
7. You shat in my bed (only Dave has a good excuse for sending me this one).
8. I rue the day I swiped right on you.
9. I don’t think you’re funny.
10. You’re just not girlfriend material. And I don’t mean specifically for me, but for anyone.
11. FYI I’m about to stop responding to all texts from you, so I’d recommend you stop sending them.
12. You’re fat.
13. Dun w u.
14. Hey Ginny, do you remember on our sixth date how I said I was looking for a relationship? And your eyes lit up in a way that you probably think is adorable but I actually think is sociopathic? I should have been more clear — I meant I was looking for a relationship with someone I like. I never should have given you the impression that this was going anywhere.
15. Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries.
16. Brb