I try to buy only all-natural beauty, skin and haircare products, all of which proudly tout that they’re “paraben free.” Therefore, I would never buy anything with a paraben in it because…they’re…bad? Huh, I guess I don’t know what these evil creatures that lurk in drugstore lotions even are. Here are my best guesses as to what the fuck a paraben even is.

• Some kind of worm.
• Bread.
• …ranch?
• Radiation.
• Gel.
• A small country in South America.
• A small non-profit.
• Germs.
• Silicone.
• Sugar.
• A cancer-causing chemical.
• A cancer-causing mineral.
• A cancer-causing something else.
• Cancer.
• Whatever the opposite of makeup is.
• 8th grade.
• A pair of guys named Ben haha you know I had to do it.
• Non-organic dirt.
• Cheese.