Laaadies, it’s time to stop with the makeup! The idea that women have to wear makeup to be beautiful was created by the patriarchy to keep us down! I’d like to be a shining example for all of you and announce that I, like Rihanna, have officially gone #nomakeup! And I feel great. Do you want to know my secret? It’s so easy — I’ve just really learned to love my natural features! And I paid an Asian lady $150 to insert fake mink eyelashes into my eyelid one by one.

Putting on makeup takes up so much time! This is time we could be spending learning, doing, saving the world, building bridges, running for office, or catching up on ‘This Is Us’ (if you’re enough of a dingdong to have fallen behind in the first place). Think of all the time you’d save if you weren’t a slave to the mirror every morning! I personally now have all this extra time to spend on moisturizing myself! Full pamper, amiright?! And lying still for 1.5 hours to get my fake eyelashes inserted, that also takes time I guess.

Buying makeup just contributes to capitalism, ok? We buy products from companies that probably test on animals or ugly people, and that’s just wrong. I’ve decided that 0 of my hard-earned dollars will go towards makeup! Instead, I’ll just spend $150 on these gorgeous fake eyelashes, plus $30 tip I’M NOT A MONSTER.

All I’m saying is this: #nomakeup seems hard at first. Yes, we all want to be beautiful. But somehow, I’ve found a way to make it work for me. And you can too. If you make the tiny investment of $150/month. Try to be less like you, and more like me.