If you’re anything like me you LOVE the Winter Olympics! Curling, bobsled, that other thing that’s like the bobsled but without the sled! Yes, the Winter Olympics have it all! And they’re always adding new events to keep the games “hip” and “relevant” to today’s “youth” (who I’m told are actually just chatbots).

In the spirit of that time-honored tradition of Olympic Innovation, I would like to humbly propose these new events, each of which would be a timely addition to the 2018 Winter Games.

Alpine Fallout

The world’s greatest skiers compete to see which one can reach the bottom of the mountain before receiving a lethal dose of radiation.

Congressional Biathalon

In which lawmakers race to fund the infrastructure for their own event before reaching the finish line. Winners succeed by striking a bipartisan deal that paves over the death pit before they reach the finish line.

Speed Fleeing

Like speed skating, except competitors are encouraged to take off their skates and wield them as improvised weapons.

Couples Curling

Unlike the limited mixed-gender curling event introduced this year, Couples Curling awards points based on much the judges can learn about the couple’s sex life by watching them vigorously sweep the ice together.

Cool Runnings Relay

In which teams of college undergrads compete to see who can successfully hand off an eighth of weed hidden in the empty case for a DVD copy of Cool Runnings without getting caught by the RAs (“Relay Adjudicators”).

Colorado Half-Pipe

A new snowboarding event that combines all the thrills of the traditional half-pipe with all the adrenaline Maureen Dowd experienced when she tried edibles.

Ice Hockey

An admittedly off-putting and bizarre sport where people who weren’t preppy enough for the Lacrosse team get to practice the life-long skill of taking out their rage on tiny inanimate objects.

Network Freestyle Combined

In which major television networks compete to see which one can successfully integrate a series of pre-taped human interest stories promoting the 2018 Winter Olympics into their coverage of the Larry Nassar trial.

Questionable Figure Skating

Russia is a strong favorite going into this group event, but true patriots will be rooting for our all-American team. Sarah Huckabee-Sanders and Hope Hicks will be joined in PyeongChang by Coach Sean Spicer as they recite hundreds of false statistics that the press will then be forced to cover.

What events are you excited for? Tell me on Twitter @iamchrisbarlow!