I’ve been reading a lot about the Tide Pod challenge, and I’ve decided not to participate. Listen, I want YouTube fame just as much as the next young adult, but I don’t think this is for me. I’m sick and tired of everyone asking me why I’ve opted out of it, so I’ll lay out my reasons here.

1. I don’t have any Tide Pods in my apartment.
2. My mouth is my 3rd most attractive physical feature, so I don’t want to burn it off.
3. Living is alright.
4. Death seems scary.
5. Ew, I hate soap.
6. I’m on a diet. No detergent allowed, I’m paleo.
7. I don’t want to be the one to say this, but the Tide Pod challenge is ageist. Only preteens are doing it, and I don’t want to be part of a system that condemns the elderly.
8. Trump and Tide Pod both start with the letter ‘T.’ Think about that.
9. The Tide Pod Challenge has donated $0 to Black Lives Matter this calendar year.
10. The Tide Pod Challenge still hasn’t come out against sexual harassment. It’s just a matter of time before we find out what it’s really been doing.
11. I’ve already decided that I’d like to die by getting hit by a car while tweeting.

This is a choice everyone needs to make for themselves. I would NEVER even DREAM of telling someone not to eat a Tide Pod. In fact, if someone is even considering eating a Tide Pod, I would fully encourage them to, because, like natural selection. But Darwinism aside, I’ve made a very important decision to not participate in the Tide Pod challenge. And I’d like you to all respect that.