College Application Essay: “I Was Abducted By Aliens”

By Connor McCausland

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The late Audrey Hepburn once said: “Nothing is impossible; the word itself says ‘I’m possible’!”.

Before I was abducted by aliens, I thought that extraterrestrial life was impossible. Little did I know that aliens were not only “possible”, they were ruthlessly invested in harvesting many of my stem cells and sexual organs for experimentation.

And I learned that sometimes, when life throws unexpected challenges your way, the only way to get through them is by believing in the impossible and having hope; specifically that the cold metal table on which I was being operated was sanitary and that these non-humanoid, emotionless aliens would quickly conclude their invasive and absolutely terrifying assessment of my rectum and penis.

From the time I was able to understand the concept of “college”, I knew I wanted to go someplace special. Little did I know that during my senior year at Monticello High School — my alma mater from which I graduated as salutatorian — I would be kidnapped by beings from the planet Kepler-22b and brought to their home as a specimen. This new place was indeed very special and very educational, and I’d like to think it prepared me for my time at a superb university such as yours. Something that doesn’t fit this analogy entirely is that they also put a very fine metal rod into my urethra for upwards of 5 hours, displaying the entire operation to millions of aliens from within a floating, transparent glass sphere.

Sometimes life is confusing, painful, and seemingly dream-like, and only by reflecting on those moments does one begin to find what it is that makes one truly happy. After going through my life’s biggest challenge — again, I was paralyzed and tractor-beamed into a cold, dark spaceship and ceaselessly violated for what felt like years on an unfamiliar and frightening planet, brought back to my home feeling sick, irreparably damaged, and massively paranoid — I realized that happiness is not something one “achieves”; happiness can only be found in the journey towards a life that feels righteous, and the journey away from a life that feels like there’s something crawling in one’s sinuses, major arteries, and anal cavity.

I hope to start that journey at your fine university.